I had recently become single, and temporarily found myself with a ‘why not, have fun’ dating attitude. So I went on a date with a great guy I’d recently met, and ended up in a gin bar; A+ for the date so far. I think the guy thought I was a bit nuts - which was actually okay with me. Flying high on my new found singledom, and on the back of a gin or three, I decided that it would be great for us to have sex. I think I may have even said ‘I think we should have sex’ - thinking that I looked like Cameron Dias in The Holiday coming on to Jude Law, whereas in reality I probably had mascara all down my face and gin all down my front. He laughed and agreed anyway.
So we went back to his and proceeded to have extremely average sex. Moaning way louder than was necessary - dramatic celebratory noises that didn’t match the mediocre pleasure levels. An embarrassing performance that you just would not be able to take part in if you were entirely sober.
I woke up next to him in the morning thinking, ‘I wonder if I remembered to remove my tampon last night before having sex,’ knowing full well that I did not. Still being a bit tipsy, I felt confident enough to share this information with said boy, waking him up in the process. A quick trip to the bathroom to try and retrieve the lost property from my vagina was to no avail, and featured quite awkward conversations through the door that went a bit like this:
Boy: are you okay?
Me: yeh… I can’t get it out
Boy: can I do anything?
Me: errr. Not at the moment - thanks
Me: thanks for the offer though
Boy: sure. Tea?
Me: tea would be great - thanks
Tea was lovely. Tampon wasn’t budging.
So we went to the emergency room. Yes, WE went to the emergency room - this boy was a rare good egg. I’m not sure he felt the same about me around this point - the football was on and he was missing it. His phone rang just outside the hospital entrance and I vividly recall his side of the conversation:
No I don’t think I’m gonna make it - I’ll buzz you later
No I’m just having to take a girl to A&E to retrieve a tampon from her vagina
Oh no - I met her last night
Yeh I’ll buzz you later
This was probably one of the smoothest visits to hospital I’ve ever encountered. The lady who generously assisted with her speculum was extremely kind and funny, and quickly found the missing article. I apologised profusely, realising that she’d definitely come off worst in this situation. ‘Boy’ did not know where to look for the entire twenty minutes. As we left, the TV screen depicted his football team having just lost the match. Needless to say, I didn’t hear from him again. But hey - he did a good thing here. Thanks, boy, wherever you are.